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A Play on Words

This My heart is stirred a noble theme

as I recite my verses for the king;

my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

Psalm 45:1

I was sifting through some old file folders and came across a stack of, “Quotable Quotes”, which I thought would be appropriate for this month’s theme- – the power of words. These quotes were written in moments of grief, joy, injustice, frustration, hope, comfort, and wistfulness.

In Passing

“I enjoyed listening to your father tell stories. He had an exquisite sense of humor that mingled through his words like delicate wisps of smoke and if one looked carefully through the tendrils, you would see a glint in his eye as brilliant as a diamond that confirmed they were in the presence of a great man.”

101%

“Dearest Marlene, I am glad we were able to reunite after 15 years of being apart. We seem to have weathered the “test of time” rather well. Thank goodness the exam consisted of multiple-choice questions that, statistically speaking, guaranteed a degree of victory in our lives. The questions asking us to describe our life’s journey at length were daunting but the bonus marks for our efforts were generously rewarded. Now, it’s time to heal, plant, laugh, and dance together again! “

Colorblind

  “Black is not a color. As an artist, it’s only a pigment of my imagination. As a person with obvious physical limitations, black signifies darkness which can overwhelm me at any time. By God’s grace, I have brilliant lights of joy, peace, and hope within me that can, with all intents and purposes, extinguish it.”

In Support of a Cause

 “A citizen should take significant small steps to understand each other’s burdens. By removing just one stone from another’s shoulders will enable them to make great strides to do the same.”

 My Website’s Subliminal Message 

“Oralart makes the simple, important.”

 Vertically Challenged

Do you know what I can’t stand?

 What can’t you stand?

 That’s what I can’t stand.

You can’t stand what?

That I can’t stand. 

What?!

I can’t stand! I can’t stand!

If you don’t explain, I am walking away.

You do know, I can’t stand?

I’m standing now and going to walk away if you can’t explain what’s up.

Obviously, not me but you can still stand it.

Don’t tell me what I can stand and not stand.

You can do both, but I can’t. 

I can’t stand this; I’m leaving now.

Yes, you can, and you can’t stand it.

I’ll see you later.

Now, that’s something I can stand doing!

Vital Statistics

“I have His: phone number, fax, email, website, and street address. He’s next door, right around the block, just across the street, a stone’s throw away, a short hike, or you can even take a rocket ship to the moon and still be within an arm’s length, the diameter of the teardrop, the volume of the breath, a thread of the heartbeat, a synapse of the first waking moments, He can still be found, regardless if you’re lost, just call upon Him, and He will answer.

No long-distance charges will apply.”

Taking Captive My Thoughts

 “The garbage piled up high up against the chain-link fence of pristine property, I was hoping to gain access to in the years to come. However, climatic changes were against me such as wind and rain, but I guess it was ultimately my responsibility to tend to the pile daily and diligently to remove the debris to dispose of it responsibly. Where this garbage comes from can be beyond me but once it is trapped up against the fence, either on myself or the Constant Gardener’s on the other side, can pluck it up nimbly and destroy it as quickly and effortlessly as a whisper lovingly spoken in the middle of the night.”

He stilled the storm to a whisper;

Psalm 107:29

Finally…

“This is the type of writing that will be making me millions! I am praying to God that I can find a person who knows a person who knows a friend whose father’s brother-in-law, who lives next to a family of five, who just lost their beloved and very old pet dog, who knows the veterinarian, who euthanized Sparky (finally) who knows a publisher, who brings in his one-legged macaw, irritably named, Mac, to get his wings clipped. What are the chances? I’ll stick with the first two people and the friend and the rest of the prayer will have to play itself out.”

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Pure and Simple

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 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm: 139:14

My name was always a good yelling name when my mom wanted me to come into the house. Respond to the first Katy Martha. She definitely meant business when she added on the Gerke. “KATIE MARTHA GERKE GET IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!”. 

I love my last name. People found it difficult to pronounce and spell. Gerk Jerk, Jerky. You can call me Kate or Katie but never Cathy. I grew up with several nicknames: Katie turkey or Perky dog food. My friend’s father always greeted me I “K-K-K-Katy, beautiful Katy standing by the kitchen door”. 

I was named after both of my grandmothers. Katie is my grandmother Scott’s name and Martha is my grandmother’s name on my father’s side. Katie is Greek meaning “pure”, and Martha is Latin translated into Aramaic meaning for “Mistress” or “lady” of the house. Gerke originated in Hamburg Germany where the name contributed greatly to the development of an emerging nation. 

Here are some excerpts from my testimony, “Surmounted and Absorbed”, where I was that emerging nation. My narrative describes the rise and fall of who I thought I was to the rejuvenation of who Katie Martha Gerke was meant to be in Christ. I fashioned my narrative around the lifespan of a building’s worth.

I grew up in a non-Christian home with a mother who struggled with alcoholism. As a result, I had no solid foundation, firm supports, trustworthy materials, or a readable blueprint of what “Katie Martha Gerke” (KMG) was supposed to start to look like.

“Pride Incorporated” (PI) was founded in 1988 by Me, Myself, and I. PI was essential in helping Myself,  to build KMG the way needed to. That being, to sever some relationships and to make a “difference in the world”. And that’s exactly what I did. I signed a three-year contract working as an x-ray technician in the Middle East. I enjoyed the camaraderie of the many nationalities working within the gold-trimmed hospital. It was an exotic and adventurous time.

When I return home in June 1992, I was handed a lifetime contract, when positively diagnosed with MS. I wandered through Calgary where KMG barely had enough support and financial resources to continue standing on My own two feet. PI was finding it difficult to maintain balance, focus, and cope with unpredictable emotional and physical structural deterioration. I needed new drafting tools and a blank slate to sketch out what KMG was supposed to look like now. Talk about writer’s block!

The Devil’s Demolition Derelicts (DDD) whose sole mission was to wreak havoc and ultimately destroy KMG successfully crossed over the property line and the explosive devices that I were laid in and around me, that I denied so many years, finally triggered, collapsing the edifice, that I lovingly built, into a cloud of fine dust and was blown away by an ill wind. My grief and loneliness led me to the final desperate act of attempting suicide.

Days later, once home from the hospital, while unpacking my possessions, I found a stuffed white bear with a pink heart on its chest emblazoned with the words:

“Jesus Loves You”.

I embraced that teddy bear and the Message ever so tightly. Two months later I was baptized, and “Pride Inc.” was liquidated and absorbed by a much larger conglomeration of new architects. The proprietors being the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, declared that “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

I soon experienced a feeling of tremendous peace. I knew Jesus Christ would take my slates, wipe them clean of my transgressions, and begin to rewrite the plans that were meant for me from the beginning.

Project “KMG” legally expanded to its full Christian name, Katie Martha Gerke thus getting rid of the constricting quotation marks and ambiguous capital letters.”

Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

Revelation 21:7

It’s that simple!

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Leoshine Treasure Hunt

Welcome to our Famous Canadian Women Internet Treasure Hunt! We’re so glad you’re here to play! 

You are doing well! You have signed up at Leoshine’s website and got the key to cracking the code. (If you still need to do that, we’ll hold your place here while you do!)

You have found real treasure – one of ten pictures that represent the name of a famous Canadian woman in the Aeolian script specially developed by Travis Williams for the Sci Fi/ Fantasy Leoshine, Princess Oracle written by N. MacCameron and due to be released in May.

Your next task is to solve the puzzle, crack the code, decipher the script to learn which Famous Canadian Woman you have found. Keep track of each name you decode so you can put it in the form that comes at the end.

You get bonus points if you can say where in Canada this wonderful woman lived(s) and how she contributed to the world as a better place. 

Once you find all ten treasures, follow the last link to the answers form. If the deadline – March 13th 2021 11:59pm MST – comes before you find all of them, send what you have! Prizes will be announced on March 14th 2021. You could win an audiobook of Leoshine, Princess Oracle by N. MacCameron, an eBook of Discerning Grace by Emma Lombard, or a digital background of the map developed by Rachael Ward .

If you play after March 14th 2021, great! There’s a prize for you too! Keep playing through to the end!

Thank you for playing! Secret codes are great, aren’t they? By following them, you get treasure! You have fun! You meet new people!

https://inspireanalteredlife.wordpress.com

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Posture Matters!

Keep your attitude in a place that births art.

A “GET TO” attitude not a “HAVE TO” attitude.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10

I have had 30 years of creatively adapting my life skills. My life with progressive MS has presented me with some harsh realities and permanent life challenges. I needed to live in the light of the opportunities and not the restrictions. Once realized, it is impossible to be given over to pride and anger.

My writing began when I was asked, by the MS Society, to give a speech to the Alberta Legislature regarding young adults living in seniors’ facilities. I was living in such a facility at the time. Now, I needed to write a speech! I was able to articulate to the Members of the Legislature, the difference between living in the facility and having the choice to live in the community. Afterward, the MS Society and I produced a CD called, “These 4 Walls”, where I sat in my tiny room reciting my speech. It became a teaching tool for the Society and other advocate groups. The speech and CD were my first pieces of art.

Aristotle said, “The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but the inward significance.”

Advocating came too easily to me. I was getting involved with too many organizations, and I soon felt I was no longer making a difference. I emailed everyone and told them I could no longer participate in their organizations’ endeavors. This freed up an enormous amount of time and I was able to start advocating for clients in the facility where I lived. I adapted creatively. 

The first tool I got for writing was Dragon Naturally Speaking software. I am still training my Dragon and creatively adapting my writing. 

When I lost the use of my right hand and was unable to use a regular mouse, I got a head mouse camera and tracker dot. The tracker dot, which is stuck to the bridge of my glasses, communicates with the camera of my computer.

Along with the head mouse came the on-screen keyboard, which helps me with my mouse clicks.

I started a journal to corral my boisterous thoughts. That helped me articulate daily trends in my emotional and spiritual growth or lack thereof. Also, I would include prayers and relevant Scripture that would hearten me while I dictated some of my most painful reflections.

In later years, my writing morphed into fantastical short stories, parodies, and ruminations of the human condition.

I am still adapting to my habit of editing while I write. My compulsive behaviour will write something and after all the nitpicking is done there is nothing left on the page. 

My creativity extended beyond thoughts and emotions typed in letters of various fonts and sizes, to painting. 

Children’s art inspired me to start mouth painting. After I read to the children at a local elementary school, I would traipse the halls and become increasingly intrigued and inspired by the fantastic art the children produced. Twelve years ago I put the paintbrush in my mouth when I discovered a painting class at the facility where I live.

My creativity was stoked by experimenting with famous works of art. I found it to be a good tool in cutting my creative “teeth”. 

I started using Styrofoam, masking tape, and my wooden coffee holder to support my palate and paints. A rickety easel, which I creatively acquired from the class, precariously held my canvases. (There’s no guarantee on stolen goods.)

During each painting session, everything would slowly disintegrate and I would have to reinvent my setup while I painted. This was extremely time-consuming and frustrating. 

Eventually, after extensive research and development, I learned that these are the tools I need for a successful painting session:

Sturdy wood easel that would hold my piece of art.

Beanbags to hold the base of the easel so it wouldn’t fall forward and crack me in the head.

My yellow box contained my painting supplies and gave my easel extra height.

A heavy, black stand was engineered to hold my palate and paints, brushes, and water jar.  

Short, wooden paintbrushes, with close-cropped bristles.

As a result of my artistic endeavors, I became more well-known in the disability community and was presented with new opportunities to continue my advocacy with renewed vigor and optimism.

My advocacy, writing, and painting complemented each other throughout the years. These forms of expression have helped me to adapt and focus my energies on such things that God has laid on my heart.

God’s purposes for me will come to fruition after all is said, painted, and written.

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Based on a True Story

I felt un-tethered from God in my heart, mind, and soul. I had frayed endings of disconnect on my evening walk. 

My usual route takes me past an old trailer park with flowering window boxes, tiny lawns festooned with wood trinkets and elderly residents sitting on small porch stairs. Out front, is a weather-beaten picnic table that would collapse under the weight of the next person to sit on it, and a flagpole with a tattered and sun-bleached Canadian flag that no longer can fly. The park looks so very weary from trying to hang onto the past.

On the opposite side of the path, the earth falls steeply away and a wall of matted Bramble bushes, and shrubs of Saskatoon, Gooseberry, and rose hips cascades down and flows out into a floodplain of Poplar trees, slick green fairways, and abstract shaped sand traps.

Once at the bottom, I intersect with a bike path that circumvents the city, and train tracks that connect the country. If my timing were right, I would be able to sit in awe of powerful locomotives pulling dozens of cars, melodiously streaming meters away from my toes. I envy the permanence of all those connections. 

The landscape then opens up to reveal a wide expanse rough fescue. The cacophony of a thousand tiny buzz saws of crickets and the wind scratching its way through the tall grass, try to soothe me as I tried to straighten out my “train” of thought.

 To complete the circuit, I would go back up the ridge, into a neighborhood that has lost itself between new infills and boarded-up houses. Large trees cover over the street so densely that the sun is unable to penetrate.

I have a decision to make; do I go up towards the darkness or stay in the valley of light? 

God, in a pristine voice, tells me, “Stop, turn around and face to where you came from; look, seek, search, focus, and separate what already has been seen from something never seen before. God was a grand, cottonwood tree standing as big as the North was from the South, and as wide as the East was from the West. As I slowly moved away from God, my gaze fell upon a patch of prairie grass, void of growth and vitality, and a large bush grew beside it. 

This bush represented my abundant growth through my harsh seasons living with MS, and my triumphs since I accepted Christ as my Savior, in 2003. The extension of deadwood that remained lovingly attached around the sphere of green. A crown of thorns.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. 

James 1:12

I watched my past life and the life I could have had flash before my eyes and disappear. A feeling of melancholy rolled over me in the clash of emotions of the past and present. When I lifted my eyes, I saw a telegraph pole representing the stick figure of myself collapsed onto a more steadfast pole – that of the shoulders of Jesus.

“The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.” Malan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being. 

In juxtaposition, that image was Jesus carrying the cross, of my sorrow and pain, when he went through the streets of Jerusalem to Golgatha. I wept. His grace had showered me with tears. After I blinked my eyes dry, I saw an upright telegraph pole, seemingly to stand higher than all the rest. The empty cross. 

After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight.

Acts 1:9

I triumphantly ascended to the top of the ridge. On the green space, an oscillating sprinkler showered water high and over my path. As I sat under the cold and delicate mist, that fell like an ethereal curtain of diamonds, a rainbow was created, bringing down the Holy Spirit to dwell in me.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

2 Corinthians 5:17

Katie Gerke was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1989 and ever since, significant work continues to be done in and through her regardless of the loss of ability from the neck down. Her inability to use both arms has blessed her with the ability to creatively express herself orally through painting and writing. Katie’s website is oralart.ca

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Hidden Treasures

First Find

This summer, I bought a zoo pass so that I could go there every few weeks to witness the changing colors of the botanical gardens as they start their journey through the summer months. At the beginning of August, my wheelchair started to become unstable and I was having difficulty driving it safely. At the same time, I started to suffer acute pain in my lower back.

By the end of August, I felt well enough to make my way to the zoo. Once there, I desperately drove around, only to realize that I missed out on the pageantry that comes when every flower is simultaneously in full bloom. 

I discovered an area of un-chartered foliage nestled up against the fence that separated the zoo grounds from the public pathway. I drove one way, looking over my left shoulder, with the sun in front of me, and then I turned around, looking over my right shoulder with the sun switched to behind me. The directional change with perspective of where the sun was shining illuminated the dry foliage under large bushes. These delicate bushes looked like they were spray-painted with the most brilliant shades of copper, bronze, and subtle sparkles of rose pink.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:2

As I moved along the path, still hopeful I would find a colorful bloom, I happened upon a Salvia plant. This plant stood about three feet tall with variegated leaves that had started to turn brown along the edges. Coming up from the center was a foot long stock with the tiny, cone-shaped purple flowers. That evening I found out that the name Salvia comes from the Latin salvere means: “To feel well and healthy”. That was revealing.

As I peered into the withered flowers, there was a flurry of activity. There were flies, ants, bumblebees, beetles, and monarch butterflies. There were all doing their little dance while they rummaged, pollinated, and harvested that season’s nectar. It was this concentrated space of activity that God showed Himself most powerful and steadfast in His love. Although change is not readily accepted, albeit a broken chair and broken spirits, it is the starting of a season – to everything there is a purpose under heaven – where I need to learn new harvesting techniques to embrace these transformations.

Oswald Chambers wrote, “Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ.”

Second Find

A few weeks later, the pain in my back flared up again and this time it was mind-numbing. On one particular afternoon, while I was waiting for an emergency order of codeine, a small group of people appeared in the living room, seemingly to survey the area. Turns out the bustling of human bodies was that of the director of the building, provincial auditor and the manager of support services. They asked me if that was my painting sitting on the table. For the last four months, I have been working on an old truck in front of a brown barn.

I normally leave my art out on the table because my room is too small to hold all my artistic accouterments. Plus, it shows off my talent to the public.

This was the conversation:

Director: “Is this your picture?”
Me: “Yes it is. I painted that with my mouth.”
Manager: “Your mouth?! Wow, that’s amazing!”


I then found the mindset to tell the Director to go into my purse and get my business cards. 


Everyone: “Thank you, thank you very much; You’re so very talented. We look forward to going to the Web site. Keep up the good work.”


That moment, after this brief encounter of inspiration and awe, I felt God physically yank me to Himself, like that of a firefighter pulling someone out underneath the weight of a burning car. Once the smoke cleared, sort of speak, the painkiller took effect, and I drank the refreshing water of God’s grace, He was able to show me the riches and their value that lay within me.


God encourages me through Scripture, people that I’ve met, and my daily needs. This is all well in times where I am in a good place at a good time. But when I am experiencing my darkest days of acute pain, isolation, and overwhelming sadness, God shows Himself in light, so brilliant and breathtaking that I will take it and tuck it in my heart so I can use it “as a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”  Psalm 119:105. 


Treasure can always be found when the light shines in all directions.

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Flower Power

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.

Philippians 4:6-7 (MSG)

I became a Christian in 2003 while in the throes of having to move out of my condominium into a group home. My care needs outstripped the help I could get at home and safety was becoming an issue.

In 2004, I moved into yet another group home and 18 months later, I was kicked out because I was advocating for better living conditions. I then got a bed in seniors living facility assuming this was only going to be temporary until transition services could find alternate living arrangements in the community.

I was misinformed and then confounded with the lack of input I had in the few decisions that were presented to me. I accepted the manifestations that caused my extremities to stop working, but I was unable to accept being forced into yet another uncompromising environment that was supposed to complement my physical challenges, not make my challenges more challenging!

There weren’t enough words in the English American Thesaurus that could describe the devastation, bewilderment, and anger that I felt when I had no choice but to move into a long-term care facility for young, active adults. I was 42 years old. This shock and awe was the catalyst for me to come closer to God, keep a journal, and grieve.

I was first to read this particular verse, in the spring of 2006, while I fretted about how small my half of the room was the closeness of the beds to each other, and the thin curtain that separated our “homes”. I occupied the room with another woman who was severely disabled.

I initially read this passage in the New International Version (NIV) and immediately had questions and observations about what “I” read into the text. Was I only to lift my anxieties and nothing else? I didn’t know what supplication meant. What was the difference between prayer and petition? Transcending peace? Guard my heart and mind against what? Why Christ Jesus instead of Jesus Christ?

In the months to come, I blubbered and shouted these words, still not knowing what they all meant. Until I discovered The Message and this version made a way clear for me using relatable words to help me find comfort in the crisis I was in.

Here is the story:

The sun was just coming through the slats in the curtains, through a small window on my side of the room, when there was a clatter of clutter being moved in beside my bed. Without warning from management, my roommate of one-year was replaced by a new client, with multiple select and beside sclerosis (MS), from the second floor. I was shocked

I now had an intruder in my house that had every right to be there.

My new roommate watched TV incessantly from early morning to late at night, at which she listened to her radio. How could I possibly experience peace from when praising the Lord, I couldn’t hear myself pray?

The door was always closed, my curtain was drawn, my heart hardened, and my mind darkened because I was angry at the situation and I was angry at her.

In Matthew 22:39, God commands me to love thy neighbor as thyself. I soon realized that this woman was me, twelve months ago! I’m sure she was doing the best to cope with living conditions around us and the MS living within us.

With a combination of cleverness, the fruits of the spirit and the Spirit itself as my co-conspirator, we hatched the perfect plan.

I vowed to buy her flowers, every month until she moved out. I would do this anonymously. When she was out of the room, I would ask a nursing aide to place them on her bedside table and swear to keep my actions secret.

I felt so empowered! By creating this situation, I had a renewed sense of control and something good to focus in on instead of my anxieties. I was able to enjoy the flowers as much as she did when I came in and out of the room.

I had fun listening to her, making phone calls to friends and family, and desperately trying to find out who sent her the flowers! When the day came to celebrate her with the second bouquet, she and all of her belongings were gone, when I returned! It was so surreal.

Since then, I have been in absolute awe of God’s grace, and that his promises are powerful, giving me that peace, that comes from a settled heart and mind. What a gift!

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Paint by Numbers

Black is not a color. As an artist it’s only a pigment of my imagination. As a person with obvious physical limitations, black signifies darkness which can overwhelm me at any time. By God’s grace, I have brilliant lights of joy, peace and hope within me that can, with all intents and purposes, extinguish it.

My craft of choice was a 1980’s craze called “Papier Tole”. This involved cutting tiny pieces of paper out of identical printed designs and then layering these pieces on top of each other using silicone glue  to create a three dimensional effect of the original design.

In 2000, I was going to ambitiously make a picture for my new nephew, but was unable to keep a firm grip on the craft knife because my hand became too weak due to my multiple sclerosis. I was devastated beyond compare and my creativity went into purgatory for 18 years until I settled into a long-term care facility.

 I soon discovered that an art class was being offered by recreation therapy, that was once a week, for two hours, had ten residents and an over fraught teacher. This palette of many colors did not mix well and I removed myself from the class, purchased my own painting supplies, researched a sturdier stand for my palate, and invested in a well-made easel to hold my canvases.

I felt giddy at the insurgence of the endless amount of “blank slates” of creative possibilities afforded to me, decades later. With each artistic endeavor, be it through painting, writing or advocating I was able to refresh and clear my mind and focus on the fullness of the experience.

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While immersed in such ventures, I would recognize paradoxical emotions of failure to determination and success; constraint and obsession to freedom and abundance. The emotion of the day would be translated through the wooden paintbrush, securely placed between my lips, digested by every stroke, and integrated into my happy medium of acrylic paint.

When I’m painting a new project, I would either sit in the sunroom with the fireplace or outside the front doors of the facility.  Strangers take pictures, families and new clients are encouraged, and first responders take the time to reflect.

During one such occasion, the fire alarm went off, fire trucks arrived, and I was so engrossed in my painting I did not smell or watch the drama. When the “false alarm” was extinguished, a firefighter took the time to stop and congratulate me on my demonstration of inspiration.

In the next season, while experimenting with some techniques, I took the leftover paint on my palate and haphazardly painted a dark winter sky, a mauve Christmas tree sitting beside a snow-covered fence, and the Christmas star in the upper right-hand corner. I named the piece “Midnight Clear” and made Christmas cards..this creation is still everyone#s favorite, a decade later.

As a result of my artistic endeavors, I became more well-known in the community and was presented with new opportunities to continue my advocacy with renewed vigor and optimism in the areas of accessible and affordable transportation and housing, among others.

I was commissioned to paint, “Midmorning Train” by a group who wanted to give a thank you gift to the Calgary City Council for approving the Low Income Bus Pass Program.  This picture seems to make an emotional impact on people, because it invokes fond memories, past and present, of riding the C-train when they were young or new to Calgary.

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

1 Peter 4:10

I can’t paint my pictures in broad strokes due to a kink in my neck but I can keep my head still and concentrate on the smallest of details on a tree; a wheel of an old truck; a rock; or an eye of a wolf.

God never painted our lives in broad strokes, but has focused on the most finite details of our lives.

Even the very hairs of our head are all numbered.

Matthew 10:30

He is constantly  arranging these to  produce a bigger picture so that we may see His will, plans, and purpose for our lives.

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Recalculating…Recalculating

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Isaiah 30:21

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was twenty-four years old and my path was already gouged out to the extent that I could not possibly plan to take a road less traveled.

As of this year, I have been wandering in and out of the desert for thirty years with an insidious undercurrent of feeling sad, because of the many losses I have incurred. I have lost the use of both arms and both legs and am confined to an electric wheelchair, loss of a job, income, beloved home, identity, choices, hope, freedom, and loss of control over the environment that I am now living – that of long-term care.

I always have this feeling of being left behind as I see other people’s lives moving forward out of sight.  I liken my days to that of my “May Long Weekend Syndrome” where: Everybody Is Doing Everything But Me. I am tired of feeling like a sack of cement has fallen onto my heart every time somebody mentions worldly trips, marriages, new babies, spontaneous day excursions to the mountains, camping, and hiking. This list is as long as my imagination will allow.

Throughout the first half of 2018, Ruth, who is a psychiatric nurse that works at the facility where I live was unable to entertain any solutions to my declining despair. It was this anniversary of sorts, that sent me reeling off my path, into hollowness and becoming entangled in a thicket of thistles and thorns of extreme consternation.

We started to look into existing programs throughout the city where I could find specialized bereavement counseling for my unique losses. It was during one such call where I was told, “A human being had to have been lost.”

I said, “I have been lost for 30 years. Does that count?”

In the summer of 2018, family and friends were startled to notice that I wasn’t coping well. I was unable to reflect and find strength in my past victories and blessings and was distracted by fretting about my own desires, not God’s. How do I reconcile my feelings that I’m not mad at God or the disease, but how inaccessible my world is and what I miss? Is this a form of envy? It’s this type of thinking that makes me falter.

God may know me intimately, but I do not.

It wasn’t until Ruth was able to find me a therapist, that specialized in grief counseling and would be willing to help me move through the uncharted territory called Kate Gerke.

Oswald Chambers eloquently wrote:

“Whenever we realize we have not taken advantage of a magnificent opportunity, we are apt to sink into despair. But Jesus comes and lovingly says to us, in essence, “Sleep on now. That opportunity is lost forever and you can’t change that. But get up, and let’s go on to the next thing.” In other words, let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go on into the invincible future with Him.” 

I came to the realization that I’m keeping my soul’s losses in purgatory, and denying it rest. I needed to hand over these losses in Christ to unburden myself for the journey ahead.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Matthew 11:28-29

On January 1, 2019, I took my first step and started a daily journal that would best articulate daily trends in my emotional and spiritual growth or lack thereof. Additionally, I would include prayers and relevant Scripture that would hearten me while I dictated some of my most painful reflections. To start, I read the book of Proverbs – for the first time – and prayed for wisdom and understanding on how to recalibrate my moral compass and how to represent Christ in my relationships.

I am now reading the book of Psalms – for the first time ever in my 15 years as a Christian! With renewed hope and comfort moving forward, I have realized that I need to reflect on my inner-self and regain a more healthy and steadfast perspective on the permanency of my realities.

The word of God will afford me direction, but it’s His grace that enables me to follow it, and it’s that grace that can only be obtained by my devoted prayers.

“even though he had always been with us in the desert. During the daytime, the LORD was in the cloud, leading us in the right direction and showing us where to camp. And at night, he was there in the fire.”

Deuteronomy 1:33

This new journey that I’m on is going to be just as unsettled and grueling as the last, but at least I will be able to enjoy the scenery.

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